We all have conversations with loved ones that leave us hurting. Sometimes it is very clear that we have been hurt because the conversation became very loud. At other times the hurt occur ed in the middle of a moment of emotional intimacy and the other person from our perspective threw in an emotional spear that pierced our souls. There are times when we know that the relationship has become fragile and we are walking on eggs, afraid we will break something, and feel like we did. In all of this normally our friend or family member is feeling the same dynamic. Lost to find a way to avoid getting hurt and feeling defensive enough to swing back at what they see as attacks from us. Add to this many times that our relationships have professional and organizational aspects and the complexity of relating become filled with fear, doubts, confusion, and if we are not careful; paranoia.
So when we have a conversation that hurts us what can we do?
1. Put the conversation in the context of the entire relationship. Are we justified in thinking the worst of this conversation or is this relationship really healthier than the conversation we just had? If a relationship is basically unhealthy then a painful conversation is to be expected and we should not be surprised. If a relationship is basically healthy then we should become overly negative and instead seek to interpret the words in the best light.
2. Can we without doing some additional harm to the relationship seek to express our pain to our friend and seek a resolution? Is there some way to make peace with our friend or family member? If not, then what keeps this from happening? This problem is really what has to be solved.
If we go to our friend it may help to write things out.
a. What actually was said that hurt me. Explain how you understood these words.
b. Explain what you felt in response to these words
c. Define how you would like to resolve the hurt of these words.
3. Seek God's comfort in prayer. God is our refuge and strength (Psalm 46). God loves us with an infinite love in Jesus the Messiah. While friends and family may at times abuse us and abandon us we are always secure in the love of our Lord (Romans 8:28-36). The Lord will comfort us and give us the strength to go forward if we seek help.
Being hurt in a conversation is a common thing. It is very easy for us to hurt one another with our words. It is important that we process such wounds since they can easily become areas of bitterness in our hearts and then lead to greater problems.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Hard to be human
To be in human relationships is hard. People do not normally relate well. To have safe, secure, and satisfying relationships is something we all want but few of us find. People hurt each other much easier in human relationships than nurture each other. Even when we want to be intimate in friendships and families we find that injure the very peoploe we try to love.
There is no silver bullet that can solve all this. There is so many dynamics that impact a relationship. Every person brings their past and pain with them into the current situation. We do not come in as bland slates. We come in needing security and feeling that only by having power and control that we can be safe. Each person has also a 'narrative" or story that they have been telling themselves about the other people and about themselves. This "narrative" creates the emotions which then frames how we understand each other. Many times we are not reading from the same script. It is like actors from different plays suddenly being put on the same stage to perform. Then there are those darker sides of our hearts. The deep evil that can poison everything we do unless carefully governed and monitered.
In the end all I can do is try to be sane, stable, and spiritual within my own soul and life. I can strive to think clearly, logically, realistically, fairly, objectively, and with empathy. I need to have humility to be sane. I need to know I don't know everything and that what others think and feel has value. I need to be able to stay in this space of sanity on a reguler basis. Avoiding radical actions and denials we stay in a place of mental and emotional balance as a life style. A critical part of this is to develop a real spirituality in which I dwell in the presence of God in Christ where I can receive comfort, forgiveness, strength, and wisdom. As I begin more and more to be sane, stable, and spiritual; then I can offer this to the other people in my life. At least my part of the relationship is not unhealthy. That is really all the control I have.
Now part of the truth of this is that this will not keep me from being crucified by others. At times this happens. But other times I find myself in fellowship with others who also are seeking to grow in sanity, stability, and spirituality. Then we become family.
There is no silver bullet that can solve all this. There is so many dynamics that impact a relationship. Every person brings their past and pain with them into the current situation. We do not come in as bland slates. We come in needing security and feeling that only by having power and control that we can be safe. Each person has also a 'narrative" or story that they have been telling themselves about the other people and about themselves. This "narrative" creates the emotions which then frames how we understand each other. Many times we are not reading from the same script. It is like actors from different plays suddenly being put on the same stage to perform. Then there are those darker sides of our hearts. The deep evil that can poison everything we do unless carefully governed and monitered.
In the end all I can do is try to be sane, stable, and spiritual within my own soul and life. I can strive to think clearly, logically, realistically, fairly, objectively, and with empathy. I need to have humility to be sane. I need to know I don't know everything and that what others think and feel has value. I need to be able to stay in this space of sanity on a reguler basis. Avoiding radical actions and denials we stay in a place of mental and emotional balance as a life style. A critical part of this is to develop a real spirituality in which I dwell in the presence of God in Christ where I can receive comfort, forgiveness, strength, and wisdom. As I begin more and more to be sane, stable, and spiritual; then I can offer this to the other people in my life. At least my part of the relationship is not unhealthy. That is really all the control I have.
Now part of the truth of this is that this will not keep me from being crucified by others. At times this happens. But other times I find myself in fellowship with others who also are seeking to grow in sanity, stability, and spirituality. Then we become family.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Not judging the heart
1Ki 8:39 then hear in heaven your dwelling place and forgive and act and render to each whose heart you know, according to all his ways (for you, you only, know the hearts of all the children of mankind),
2Ch 6:30 then hear from heaven your dwelling place and forgive and render to each whose heart you know, according to all his ways, for you, you only, know the hearts of the children of mankind,
Jer 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? "I the LORD search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds."
Mat 7:1-5 "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.
Act 1:24 And they prayed and said, "You, Lord, who know the hearts of all, show which one of these two you have chosen
1Co 2:11 For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
1Co 4:5 Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God.
Eph 4:29-32 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Jas 4:11 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?
1Pe 2:17 Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.
God alone knows the hearts of human beings. Because our hearts are deceitful our own self knowledge may be imperfect. Next to God, each of us has the greatest ability to know our own hearts and what motivates us in our words and actions. It is impossible however for anyone else to know what the thoughts and intentions of the heart of another person are unless they are self pronounced. When we judge the motives of people we take the place of God.
People are made in the image of God and therefore have dignity and deserve respect (1 Peter 2:17). Those in authority have been put in that position of authority by God and therefore deserve honor for being the one chosen by God to hold that position (Romans 13:1-5). We are to love other people even our enemies (Matthew 5:44). Part of loving another person is not to judge their motives but to give them the judgment of charity which is that we should believe the best motives for whatever they have done.
We live in a time when we do not know how to honor other people. We are not well trained in showing honor to authorities. We do not know how to disagree in an agreeable manner. We find it hard to season every word with grace, mercy, longsuffering, and patience. It is easy for our words to do great harm (James 3).
There is also the need of humility. We do need to judge ourselves and our own motives. We need to think more highly of others then we think of ourselves (Phil 2:3). We should be able to admit our own need to change and improve. We may even come to believe that others have something positive to teach us. It is possible that in the dialogue of ideas that we may actually grow if we do not assume we have all the answers before we begin.
We live in very polarized times. We see those who disagree with us as being “worthless” and “empty headed”, not recognizing that such judgments make us guilty of the sin of murder (Matthew 522). It is one thing to say we disagree with what a person says or does. We can and should judge an idea or action as wrong. But it is entirely different to curse one who is made is the image of God and fail to give them the respect and honor due them from God. When we do this we open up a dark door of vengeance and self righteousness which normally only leads to a growing escalation of abuse and eventually violence.
So let each of us each evaluate what we say and do in judging the motives of others. Let us strive to be peace makers in a world who has lost its taste for peace. Let us guard against gossip and speech which is cynical and belittling. Let us pray for those we disagree with and treat them with the respect that God has ordained we give to them. Then we will be salt and light in the world and a source of healing.
2Ch 6:30 then hear from heaven your dwelling place and forgive and render to each whose heart you know, according to all his ways, for you, you only, know the hearts of the children of mankind,
Jer 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? "I the LORD search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds."
Mat 7:1-5 "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.
Act 1:24 And they prayed and said, "You, Lord, who know the hearts of all, show which one of these two you have chosen
1Co 2:11 For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
1Co 4:5 Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God.
Eph 4:29-32 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Jas 4:11 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?
1Pe 2:17 Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.
God alone knows the hearts of human beings. Because our hearts are deceitful our own self knowledge may be imperfect. Next to God, each of us has the greatest ability to know our own hearts and what motivates us in our words and actions. It is impossible however for anyone else to know what the thoughts and intentions of the heart of another person are unless they are self pronounced. When we judge the motives of people we take the place of God.
People are made in the image of God and therefore have dignity and deserve respect (1 Peter 2:17). Those in authority have been put in that position of authority by God and therefore deserve honor for being the one chosen by God to hold that position (Romans 13:1-5). We are to love other people even our enemies (Matthew 5:44). Part of loving another person is not to judge their motives but to give them the judgment of charity which is that we should believe the best motives for whatever they have done.
We live in a time when we do not know how to honor other people. We are not well trained in showing honor to authorities. We do not know how to disagree in an agreeable manner. We find it hard to season every word with grace, mercy, longsuffering, and patience. It is easy for our words to do great harm (James 3).
There is also the need of humility. We do need to judge ourselves and our own motives. We need to think more highly of others then we think of ourselves (Phil 2:3). We should be able to admit our own need to change and improve. We may even come to believe that others have something positive to teach us. It is possible that in the dialogue of ideas that we may actually grow if we do not assume we have all the answers before we begin.
We live in very polarized times. We see those who disagree with us as being “worthless” and “empty headed”, not recognizing that such judgments make us guilty of the sin of murder (Matthew 522). It is one thing to say we disagree with what a person says or does. We can and should judge an idea or action as wrong. But it is entirely different to curse one who is made is the image of God and fail to give them the respect and honor due them from God. When we do this we open up a dark door of vengeance and self righteousness which normally only leads to a growing escalation of abuse and eventually violence.
So let each of us each evaluate what we say and do in judging the motives of others. Let us strive to be peace makers in a world who has lost its taste for peace. Let us guard against gossip and speech which is cynical and belittling. Let us pray for those we disagree with and treat them with the respect that God has ordained we give to them. Then we will be salt and light in the world and a source of healing.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Principles of Sanity
Sanity is the ability to know the difference between reality and illusion.
The struggle is that at times sanity is very painful. It confronts us with painful truths. Death, sickness, rejection, abandonment, and abuse. We fear that seeking reality will kill us. We believe to survive we need to lie to ourselves and deny the truth.
But the illusions begin to have a cost. They begin to create more pain. We also find ourselves lost in our illusions. At some point we do not know who we are.
So we must make sure we see all of reality. The glass half full as well as half empty. Then reality becomes a comfort as well as a challenge. We must come to be content with what really is true. This gives us the sanity we need.
The struggle is that at times sanity is very painful. It confronts us with painful truths. Death, sickness, rejection, abandonment, and abuse. We fear that seeking reality will kill us. We believe to survive we need to lie to ourselves and deny the truth.
But the illusions begin to have a cost. They begin to create more pain. We also find ourselves lost in our illusions. At some point we do not know who we are.
So we must make sure we see all of reality. The glass half full as well as half empty. Then reality becomes a comfort as well as a challenge. We must come to be content with what really is true. This gives us the sanity we need.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Seek Justice
Amos 5:6-7, 10-15
6 Seek the Lord and live, or he will break out against the house of Joseph like fire, and it will devour Bethel, with no one to quench it. 7 Ah, you that turn justice to wormwood, and bring righteousness to the ground!
10 They hate the one who reproves in the gate, and they abhor the one who speaks the truth. 11 Therefore because you trample on the poor and take from them levies of grain, you have built houses of hewn stone, but you shall not live in them; you have planted pleasant vineyards, but you shall not drink their wine. 12 For I know how many are your transgressions, and how great are your sins— you who afflict the righteous, who take a bribe, and push aside the needy in the gate. 13 Therefore the prudent will keep silent in such a time; for it is an evil time. 14 Seek good and not evil, that you may live; and so the Lord, the God of hosts, will be with you, just as you have said. 15 Hate evil and love good, and establish justice in the gate; it may be that the Lord, the God of hosts, will be gracious to the remnant of Joseph.
Literal - This chapter is part of a “funeral Dirge” a song of lament for the nation of Israel (Amos 5:1-2). This is a strong statement because the nation has not actually “died “yet. This piece of “prophetic drama” was purposely done to awaken the nation to its serious spiritual plight even as it enjoyed political and economic prosperity.
Amos was a contemporary of Isaiah, Micah, Jonah and Hosea. Under Jeroboam II (around 781 B.C.) the kingdom of Israel reached the zenith of its prosperity. The gap between rich and poor widened at this time and the rich were becoming richer by oppressing the poor, taking their land, and bribing the judicial system. Amos was called by God from his rural home in the Southern Kingdom to remind the rich and powerful of God's requirement for social and political justice (2:6-16). He claimed that religion that is not accompanied by right action is cursed by God (5:21ff.), and prophesied that the kingdom of Israel would be destroyed which occurred about sixty years after these prophecies were given (e.g. 5:1-2; 8:2).
Amos instead of saying “God bless Israel” actually said “God damn Israel unless she repent”. Perhaps Amos is called because Jonah has a hard time warning Israel of God’s condemnation due to her sins because of his love of Israel as a nation which leads to his desire to see her enemies destroyed even when God may have a redemptive plan.
This “funeral Dirge” was done at one of the centers of worship in Israel located at Bethel. It was the place where the king loved to worship and thank God for all the prosperity that had come upon the nations. It was where the state paid prophets would declare how God would prosper Israel and defeat her enemies. In the midst of this optimistic and positive environment comes Amos singing a song of death and mourning over a nation that has died, but simply does not know it yet.
Amos says that Israel must repent or die. They have turned “justice” into poison. Justice is to be the source of nourishment and life to a society. But here it has been turned into wormwood a bitter poison that only brings sickness and health. Righteousness has been knocked down and pushed out of the way. All of this has happened in the gate of the city where people where people were to go to find justice.
The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob was very concerned in what happened "in the gate" because it was the primary public arena for finding fairness, compassion, and social order in accord with the principles, personality and history of Yahweh and Yahweh’s people. The book of Moses reminded Israel that God "takes no bribe," "executes justice for the orphan and the widow," and "loves the strangers." Israel was to be a reflection of God's justice in its own life and social relationships (Deuteronomy 10:17-18). Their failure to do this was now bringing God’s judgment upon them.
The key problem here is that the poor have not been given equal justice. Their rights have not been upheld in the public square. The rich have been able to win in court and avoid punishment for their crimes while the poor have not been given fair trials. The rich have been able to manipulate the system to keep the poor from keeping their land and the truly impoverished have not been cared for with compassion. God is condemning Israel for her lack of social and political justice. The eternal creator of the universe cares that we demonstrate love for our neighbor by the establishment of a just social system. Failure to do this will bring about the end of that society and divine judgment upon them.
For believers our concern must be to know and define the nature of social and political justice. God is for justice. We are to be for justice. What is justice? What does it mean to have a just society? What actions in a society are seen as unjust and a failure to love our neighbor? How can the poor be oppressed by the rich in our society? How could the poor be protected? These are critical concerns for God. They need to also be critical concerns for us.
Christological: One of our hopes to see Christ return is that with that return perfect justice will reign over all the earth. Jesus the Messiah will bring an end to all oppression and unjust rule. He will establish perfect fairness in the governing of the earth.
Moral: We should hunger and thirst after righteousness and social justice. It should be a deep desire and need in our lives to see this fulfilled in our lives and our community.
Eternal: Rev 21:3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
Prayer: Help me to hate evil and love good. Grant me a heart and mind that understands and desires justice for the weak, poor, and oppressed.
Contemplation: Seek justice and love righteousness
Action: List areas of injustice in our community. What could you do to help restore justice? What are you doing that encourages injustice? What would Amos say to us today? How should you and I change?
6 Seek the Lord and live, or he will break out against the house of Joseph like fire, and it will devour Bethel, with no one to quench it. 7 Ah, you that turn justice to wormwood, and bring righteousness to the ground!
10 They hate the one who reproves in the gate, and they abhor the one who speaks the truth. 11 Therefore because you trample on the poor and take from them levies of grain, you have built houses of hewn stone, but you shall not live in them; you have planted pleasant vineyards, but you shall not drink their wine. 12 For I know how many are your transgressions, and how great are your sins— you who afflict the righteous, who take a bribe, and push aside the needy in the gate. 13 Therefore the prudent will keep silent in such a time; for it is an evil time. 14 Seek good and not evil, that you may live; and so the Lord, the God of hosts, will be with you, just as you have said. 15 Hate evil and love good, and establish justice in the gate; it may be that the Lord, the God of hosts, will be gracious to the remnant of Joseph.
Literal - This chapter is part of a “funeral Dirge” a song of lament for the nation of Israel (Amos 5:1-2). This is a strong statement because the nation has not actually “died “yet. This piece of “prophetic drama” was purposely done to awaken the nation to its serious spiritual plight even as it enjoyed political and economic prosperity.
Amos was a contemporary of Isaiah, Micah, Jonah and Hosea. Under Jeroboam II (around 781 B.C.) the kingdom of Israel reached the zenith of its prosperity. The gap between rich and poor widened at this time and the rich were becoming richer by oppressing the poor, taking their land, and bribing the judicial system. Amos was called by God from his rural home in the Southern Kingdom to remind the rich and powerful of God's requirement for social and political justice (2:6-16). He claimed that religion that is not accompanied by right action is cursed by God (5:21ff.), and prophesied that the kingdom of Israel would be destroyed which occurred about sixty years after these prophecies were given (e.g. 5:1-2; 8:2).
Amos instead of saying “God bless Israel” actually said “God damn Israel unless she repent”. Perhaps Amos is called because Jonah has a hard time warning Israel of God’s condemnation due to her sins because of his love of Israel as a nation which leads to his desire to see her enemies destroyed even when God may have a redemptive plan.
This “funeral Dirge” was done at one of the centers of worship in Israel located at Bethel. It was the place where the king loved to worship and thank God for all the prosperity that had come upon the nations. It was where the state paid prophets would declare how God would prosper Israel and defeat her enemies. In the midst of this optimistic and positive environment comes Amos singing a song of death and mourning over a nation that has died, but simply does not know it yet.
Amos says that Israel must repent or die. They have turned “justice” into poison. Justice is to be the source of nourishment and life to a society. But here it has been turned into wormwood a bitter poison that only brings sickness and health. Righteousness has been knocked down and pushed out of the way. All of this has happened in the gate of the city where people where people were to go to find justice.
The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob was very concerned in what happened "in the gate" because it was the primary public arena for finding fairness, compassion, and social order in accord with the principles, personality and history of Yahweh and Yahweh’s people. The book of Moses reminded Israel that God "takes no bribe," "executes justice for the orphan and the widow," and "loves the strangers." Israel was to be a reflection of God's justice in its own life and social relationships (Deuteronomy 10:17-18). Their failure to do this was now bringing God’s judgment upon them.
The key problem here is that the poor have not been given equal justice. Their rights have not been upheld in the public square. The rich have been able to win in court and avoid punishment for their crimes while the poor have not been given fair trials. The rich have been able to manipulate the system to keep the poor from keeping their land and the truly impoverished have not been cared for with compassion. God is condemning Israel for her lack of social and political justice. The eternal creator of the universe cares that we demonstrate love for our neighbor by the establishment of a just social system. Failure to do this will bring about the end of that society and divine judgment upon them.
For believers our concern must be to know and define the nature of social and political justice. God is for justice. We are to be for justice. What is justice? What does it mean to have a just society? What actions in a society are seen as unjust and a failure to love our neighbor? How can the poor be oppressed by the rich in our society? How could the poor be protected? These are critical concerns for God. They need to also be critical concerns for us.
Christological: One of our hopes to see Christ return is that with that return perfect justice will reign over all the earth. Jesus the Messiah will bring an end to all oppression and unjust rule. He will establish perfect fairness in the governing of the earth.
Moral: We should hunger and thirst after righteousness and social justice. It should be a deep desire and need in our lives to see this fulfilled in our lives and our community.
Eternal: Rev 21:3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
Prayer: Help me to hate evil and love good. Grant me a heart and mind that understands and desires justice for the weak, poor, and oppressed.
Contemplation: Seek justice and love righteousness
Action: List areas of injustice in our community. What could you do to help restore justice? What are you doing that encourages injustice? What would Amos say to us today? How should you and I change?
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